tbabys Blog

some days I entertain folly and may even crack a few jokes

other times I feel desolate, on the verge of losing hope

I asked myself a couple of questions, just to check how I feel on the inside

what came to the surface were the things I’d been trying to hide.

Every thought, feeling and fear that had been stuffed within

When those unresolved emotions come back around to see you again.

I took a short nap and woke up feeling very weird…like I was out of place or something. It was very strange to come out of resting and enter into a shaky, unstable frame of mind.

So I had to re-evaluate what was happening at that moment. (I’ve had to do that more often than not since this menopause thing started). I am not sure if I was disturbed because of hot, sticky weather or if it was something I am still struggling with subconsciously. Unsteady and disoriented, all I could visualize clearly was the idea of getting back into bed and trying the “wake up” again.

But my body won’t relax now that I have shocked myself with the thought that I might be missing something. So here we go on another episode…

I have sat down to my first cup of coffee, thinking…

So, I ask myself, “why are you thinking about so much stuff this morning?” ANd the reality is that I ALWAYS think about so many things – matter of fact – as soon as my brain starts consciously acting. I usually wake myself up to start thinking about things. So at this point, I am believing that there is something I should be doing for the heavenly kingdom. But that thought is quickly overshadowed by thoughts of catching up on schoolwork, filling out time sheet corrections, and wondering if I should go shopping early to take advantage of the paid membership.

Then I remember my cup of coffee over there, abandoned and cold, lost within the chaotic shuffle of my early morning mind. As I walk to the microwave to reheat the coffee (again), I remember that I needed to mail “something” out today. And that is how it always happens.

I am pretty sure I am mother only person who has to wrestle their self out of the “morning funk” that comes with walking up?

I used to think that it was normal to have to fight with 300 thoughts and make at least (6) major decisions as soon as my eyes opened – every morning. Even before my feet would hit the ground – I was already dreading the miserable day ahead —

But fast forward to TODAY🌻🌹. No mental health struggles. No regrets weighing me down. No contemplating… No worries.

AND just for today that is okay.

Well, I am back. I am a survivor – if you let me tell it. I have endured another emotional rollercoaster AND I made it out on the lighter side. Those who know…know. And then I find myself reflecting back to that one doctor visit many years ago…

” Well, Mrs. Foster. The reason you feel so strange and have all of this ’emotional outburst’ is because you suffer from what are known as DUAL DISORDERS. This means that several of your neuroLOGICAL regions are not operating the way they are supposed to…”

Although I have never truly acknowledged it, I have moments where I am filled with thoughts and creative ideas and then there are those time when I don’t want any noise or mental stimulation happening. It happens. And sometimes it’s more frequent that I would like. But..

Here I am surviving the “mood disorders” and the “fear of the unknown”. And I am happy to say that my imbalance is still “imbalancing”. But today, you have the lighter side of how I am. naturally.

Is it just me? Or is it that most of human civilization has overlooked the general rules of the animal kingdom? The “common sense” of it all. A lot of weird and unusual things are occurring in personal relationships that should not be happening. But here we are in 2025, experiencing the most traumatic life changes within our democracy as a country. And then here we go with extra drama.

Just WHY??? Why would a normal person “relentlessly” (that means “nonstop”) pursue you after repetitive rejections? Yet, as you decide you will oblige them, suddenly they’ve fallen off of the face of the earth? nowhere to be found. I just don’t know how to feel about these types of situations. But I DO KNOW it’s not normal. It’s like they wanted you to say yes so they could say no. SMH

Every day struggles.

When I am anxious, I get angry because of the overflow of activity in my brain. Then, I find myself running to the Lord to help my soul find rest again. I don’t know why I am like this, making my every day a chaotic scene, going through the motions when my thought processes are happening.

It is very calming for me to have the outlet of writing. When I am here I able to place all of the thoughts on screen and view them from the outside in – if that makes more sense to anyone besides ME. The real struggle of trying to figure things out when the mind is jumping from one subject to another. Like…

Finally remembering the name of that song your friends were asking you if you knew the name of last week, in the middle of trying to remember what you were writing about before you started working on your bill collection at 3:30 AM. Or trying to separate the relevant information from your last class assignment in the 4th course of this semester while trying to remember if you were / were not supposed to leave the sign on the wall after you were finished talking in the group meeting.

Lord why do I keep picking up those things like ideas thoughts and desires? When they it all collects together to ignite those gigantic fires.When at of that thinking about begins to take it’s toll on me…Father God what is the best way to process peacefully?

Today I get to spend quality time with my baby. Oh, my apologies to his “grown man” – I mean..today I get quality time with “Son”. It has been a beautiful experience finally having real interest in my child’s wellbeing. For all of those years that I was an addict and uninvolved in his life, I am beginning to realize that I have missed a lot. Having these adult conversations with him and allowing him to express himself thoroughly has had more of an uplifting effect on me. Active listening and engaging in his concerns… being available to talk him through those confusing ideas in his head… just being able to hear him call my name sometimes. That is my beautiful reality for today.